I humbly offer this document to the robot historians of the future.
Tomorrow’s headline: Trump Stops Spreading, Starts Shredding.
Biden wins Vermont. I can keep eating Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream.
There is now Ring Camera footage of Nicole Malliotakis leaving a flaming paper bag of dog poop on Max Rose’s stoop.
I just want to take this moment to declare victory for myself. If any of you got the better of me in tennis matches, or drinking contests, arguments, career machinations, walking fast, insult rap battles, thumb wars, breath holding, dance offs, pub trivia, corn hole, soap box derby, hula hoop, chili cook off, affection withholding, staring contests, etc, IT WAS A FRAUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have claimed for electoral college purposes the remote control and also the bag of chips.
Biden takes the lead in Pennsylvania. Trump is now scrapple.
In the spirit of reconciliation, I’m not going back to every argument I’ve had on Facebook and Twitter over the last six months and posting, “Ha, ha, ha, ha.”
Yes, Mark Meadows, you will hear about the Corona virus after the election.
In response to an article about two gentleman being arrested with a humvee full of fake ballots: Billy Bob, we need to keep a low profile when we deliver these fake allot-bays, so don’t drive the red Hummer. Let’s drive the metallic one. Can we go over the plan one more time? Let ink dry. Get Arby’s. Eat in car but be real careful. Drive Hummer to Philadelphia. Now this next part is where I’m a little confused…
From the office of Mark Meadows: Hey Guys, great party last night. Gladys your guacamole, as usual, was divine. Frank, hows that head? You were hilarious last night. Okay, this is a little awkward, but I know you guys will be understanding. So I’ve had Covid for about a week. I just didn’t want to bring down the party. Sorry about not wearing a mask but they really make my nose itch. Sorry about not telling any of yall. We wanted to keep it secret because it makes us look like we don’t know what we are doing. See you all at the Victory Party!!!!
Why concede when you are still fundraising?
Is the virus gaining a sense of humor through mutation?
On the subject of hoaxes, the virus is still a problem. It is not surprising people who could deny the existence and severity of a virus that has killed 240000 people, that their own dear leader caught, could deny the results of an election. SORE LOSERS. Bitter stupid racists marching around with assault rifles. DEPLORABLES!!!!!!!! Soviet Puppets! I can’t believe I’m madder now than before. You are earning every name that you complained about being called by the “left.” Biden has his arms open for you to rejoin democracy. The first step of your recovery is to acknowledge the election results. I’m not holding my breath, except when I pass mask-less morons on the sidewalk.
I don’t feel tardy.
Yes, Corey Lewandowski, you will be hearing about the virus after Nov. 3.
Congratulations, Georgia for coming to your senses and turning blue. May you serve as an example for the rest of the South. Enough votes have been counted for CNN to call the state for Biden.
In the comments field of a friend’s Facebook post: It’s not salsa. It’s okay to get information from New York.
Amateur hour continues. After the dancing poodles, we have Rudy Guiliani recreating scenes from My Cousin Vinnie. Followed by some plate spinning. We finish with cabinet member Ben Carson offering a cure for the Corona Virus with a cameo by the My Pillow CEO.
Republicans? You like democracy too, right?
I finally saw Marriage Story.
Eric, this is Don jr. I can’t hear you. Put down the video controller for a second. I’ve got some news. Remember how you aren’t supposed to pick up food off of other people’s plates and how we have to wear the boo boo thing on our faces? Good. Well, I caught the hoax. Fake stuff is coming out of my eyes and nose and butt and mouth. Stop crying. It’s okay. You know that thing Dad says to never say. Nope, not I’m sorry. The other one about never being wrong. Can you keep a secret? Don’t ever tell Dad this. We were wrong.